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Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird, Eunice Chan Coach, Eunice The Coach, eunicethecoach, Leaders Who Encourage, Leadership, quick to listen and slow to speak
If we recall any significant turning points in our lives, we have to admit that it was often the result of timely encouragement received from people who cared. In these challenging pandemic times, people are frustrated everywhere. There is exhaustion from working round the clock to save lives or businesses. Grief over the loss of loved ones, or struggles over personal illness. Fatigue and near collapse from caring unceasingly for the elderly, the vulnerable and the young. Despair from the loss of jobs and livelihoods. Anxiety over impending job loss. Powerlessness and brokenness over the breakdown of marriages, families and relationships. Or frustration over anti-vaxxers, anti-mandate protests and protesters. And in turn, exasperation with those who do not seem to understand or care about why some people refuse vaccination. Whether it is with fellow leaders, colleagues, team members, clients/customers or family, people everywhere are waiting to be heard, to be listened to, to be understood. They are hurting, or simply struggling, and exhausted. They are starving for encouragement, whether they know it or not. Whether they show it or not.
“E” is for Encouragement
Encouragement has a variety of definitions, but suffice to say that it is the kind of verbal and non-verbal expression that helps someone want to do better and be a better person, even when the going gets tough.
Author Anne Lamott illustrates simply yet vividly the meaning of encouragement in her book, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. When her older brother was ten years old (decades ago), he was trying to get a report written on birds which he had had three months to write but due to his tardiness was due the next day. He was close to tears, surrounded by binder paper, pencils and unopened books about birds, “immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead”. Then their father sat down beside Anne’s brother, put his arm around his little shoulder, and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”
Layers
The interesting thing is that when someone greets you: “How are you?” He or she may not really be interested in finding out how you really are. It is often just a quick “Hello” or “Hi”. Nothing more. They would be startled, and maybe even alarmed (or amused) should you launch into a running commentary on your week so far. They might even look like deer caught in headlights.
Like it or not, we consciously or unconsciously wrap protective layers around ourselves. Both men and women do it. Young and old. Across all cultures. These layers are a bit like wrapping ourselves with layer upon layer of blankets when the heater/boiler isn’t working at winter time. Or when we wear multiple thin layers of clothing instead of a single thicker layer to keep ourselves sufficiently warm.
There is also the familiar metaphor of life being like an onion – that there is usually more to a person than what first meets the eye – because we invariably hide behind layers upon layers, to feel safe and secure. So when someone asks, “How are you?”, even if you have had a really rotten day, you smile and respond automatically, “Fine, thank you. And you?” And the other person responds in the same manner too.
Leaders as Encouragers
Leaders have the responsibility to know their people, and know them well. But for this to happen, they cannot reach out to others from their own protective, impenetrable layers, for when layers speak to layers, communication is stifled and limited. It is then for leaders to step forward with authenticity. By taking the first step, leaders encourage others around them to de-layer as well, so that honest and open communication can take place.
Servant leaders are especially effective because they are focused, intentional, other-centered, and genuine encouragers. As they lead, they set aside their private concerns and fears. For this to happen, they need to be secure about themselves. There cannot be any insecurities or any hidden personal agenda. Leaders must check their own heart and their true motives – that they are not trying to look good, feel good, secure some unknown advantage, or even gain attention from others around them. They must resist the temptation to over-share, or “hijack” all the “air-time”. In other words, effective leaders are those who encourage, and they are neither selfish, nor self-seeking and self-serving. So it is true: it is not about you.
Words Have Power
Effective leaders choose their words carefully. They do not use words flippantly or frivolously, unless it is in jest, and always only at appropriate times. The words they use are therefore neither superficial nor shallow or empty. The words used are intentional and purposeful, meant to affirm, inspire, strengthen, galvanise and effect positive change. When they rebuke or correct, they choose their words with care, and use them sensitively and respectfully, as well as humbly and graciously.
Be Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen
Needless to say, leaders have to be really good listeners. Accustomed to being the “talkers” or key decision-makers, they have to exercise self-restraint and intentionally speak less in order to focus fully on their people, to “be quick to listen”, and simply to listen more.
But we all know this. It is a simple idea – uncomplicated and easily understood. Yet it is not easy to do. Everyday, we as leaders need to remind ourselves to be “quick to listen and slow to speak”, so that we can listen more intently and act more purposefully.
Speak with Sensitivity and Gentleness
Effective leaders humbly demonstrate genuine positive regard, care and acceptance, knowing that everyone has strengths but also “areas for development”, including themselves. Nobody is perfect.
So as leaders, we remind ourselves to assure those we lead of their value and significance as individuals, and as members of the team and organisation. We remember that leaders who know their people well will affirm their worth even as they address their fears and insecurities. Leaders who have truly established trust are the only ones who can genuinely encourage those they lead with sincerity and sensitivity because all the layers that hinder have already been successfully removed.
So You Think You Already Know How to Encourage Others?
Most of us tend to think that we are already exceptional encouragers. Maybe some of us really are. Yet if we are honest with ourselves, there are always opportunities to be better at encouraging others to be their best selves – for themselves, for the team, and certainly for their loved ones.
Look Out for What Hinders
a) Quick solutions or advice
We need to refrain from dishing out advice from the get-go. When people share their problems or challenges, we often make the mistake of thinking that they are looking for solutions. So we offer pat answers or even recite some famous quotes. Sometimes – or most times – all they want is a listening ear.
b) Defensive words
Communication breaks down once we get all defensive. Trust is built only when we are really listening and genuinely trying to understand the person and the issues involved. A good example would be for both sides of the vaccination debate that is raging on across the globe right now to seek first to understand each other by listening with respect and patience.
c) Explanatory words
We do this often when we feel embarrassed, or feel we need to justify our actions. Yet doing this right at the start would shut others out from the conversation. So, again, it is best to hold back, and simply listen.
d) Cutting remarks or verbal attacks and slights
We all know that sarcasm and insults do not work. Yet sometimes, we find that we just cannot help ourselves, especially when we feel insecure and allow ourselves to be careless or callous with our words. And if we have not had sufficient rest, or are feeling a bit “hangry” (i.e. angry while hungry), we could also feel under attack, even if none was intended. This could prove to be a greater test, since we are really trying to help and encourage someone else in the process. So we need to be self-aware and honest with ourselves, and beware of potential triggers, biases and prejudices. It might actually help to inhale and exhale deeply, or count to “10” to exercise self-restraint and self-control, or simply take a short break. The idea is to stay focused with a quick mental note or reminder about our actual role and ultimate aim as an encourager.
Use Helpful Non-Verbals
Here are some non-verbals to enhance the encouragement journey:
a) Face the person squarely and openly
Be aware of facial expressions that might send the wrong signals (e.g. a scowl, an arched eyebrow, a smirk and eye rolls). Be sincere. Don’t fake it. It is unlikely to fool anyone.
b) Lean forward
We know that in body language, this conveys interest. Enough said.
c) Eye contact
Again, we know this indicates that you are paying attention. It must not be a staring match, though. Or a creepy stare.
d) Relax
Yes, relax! You are trying to encourage someone here. Remember people will sense the “vibes” you are sending out.
Use Helpful Verbals
Here are some verbal communication tips for more effective encouragement:
a) Reflection
Be a mirror. Reflect back what the person is feeling, doing and/or pursuing. Use the same or similar words and terms to indicate that you are listening intently, with genuine interest, including helpful phrases like “sounds like you are” and “it seems like”. Reflecting back can also help the person identify the real problem that requires attention.
b) Clarification
It is a common mistake to assume that we know what a person is saying, especially if we speak the same language. So it is wise to clarify with a question or two about what the person really means, or simply repeat back by paraphrasing what we believe we have just heard. Also, by inviting people to clarify further, we are allowing them to state more clearly what really matters to them.
c) Exploration
We can explore matter(s) at hand by asking open-ended questions that invite more sharing, instead of close-ended questions that end with either a limiting “Yes” or “No”. Asking exploratory questions can lead to a clearer understanding of motives, motivations, fears and behaviour. They may also reveal hidden issues which need to be addressed. The end-goal is always to encourage the person towards resolution and growth.
d) Engagement
As leaders who want to encourage others, sometimes we find ourselves gradually moving on to personal matters, and people might feel exposed and embarrassed by this. Our usual reaction is to retreat from the awkwardness, to hastily put some distance between us, and politely change the topic, to something innocuous, like: “Oh, the weather’s been unusually hot lately, don’t you think?” (Or for those not in government/political circles so it is not a sensitive topic, maybe: “What do you think is really happening in Ukraine right now?”) Yet we are to embrace the moment, for it is a form of breakthrough, and seize the opportunity. With attentive listening, we can show patient acceptance, and then carefully offer advice, and even firm but gentle and gracious rebuke, if needed.
Some or many of you might say that a lot that has been shared is pure common sense. Yet what we are learning these days is that common sense isn’t very common afterall. And it is not just about “head knowledge” (i.e. knowledge stored up in our brains) but “heart knowledge” (i.e. knowledge that touches and transforms our heart and impacts our behaviour through deliberate and consistent life application). So with this in mind, let us remain aware of our genuine intention to encourage those we lead and/or those in our respective spheres of influence. Let us listen well. Let us be mindful of the impact of our words and what they are ultimately achieving.
Questions for Reflection and Immediate Application
1) How much have I been an encourager to others these past years and in recent months? What have I learnt?
2) What can I do to be a more effective encourager?
3) As I encourage others, what are some of my concerns? What can I do about them?
4) In my leadership role, what are the top three things that I can do right away to be a more effective encourager?