At a recent team meeting, a notoriously arrogant man spoke up against…arrogance. He said it not once, not twice, but three times. We were half amused and also amazed that he was saying all that he was saying. He added that we were all “like-minded”, and I, for one, did not see us as like-minded at all.
Then the very next day, a team member shared with me that she had been hurt by comments made by a leader. After validating her feelings, I also tried to explain that the leader in question did seem to lack some self-awareness and tended to get brusque when under stress – although I knew in my heart that it shouldn’t be an excuse at all. The team member said she had had enough of everything and was tempted to quit the team. So I encouraged her to approach the leader to clarify matters, and to share exactly how the harsh words made her feel (e.g. “When you said that, it made me feel unappreciated…”). I also got in touch with the leader privately, and without giving too much away, suggested that the leader approach the team member to listen to some feedback she had. The leader did not get the hint at all, and simply brushed off the suggestion, until I added: “You don’t want to lose her.” Nobody wants to lose a valuable team member, especially when the team is already lean. Nobody wants to lose a valuable team member, period.
That’s not all. A couple of weeks ago, I suggested to a friend that perhaps she would benefit from some professional counselling. I wasn’t suggesting a shrink (psychiatrist) or a psychologist. I was simply suggesting some professional counselling because as a friend who cannot be her counsellor for ethical reasons, I had been that listening ear the past few months, and I am mentally exhausted. In professional counselling, you see the client once a week or once every two weeks for 45 minutes to an hour, and then you write up your notes, close your file, and focus on the next case. With a friend, it could mean she texts you often, even late at night. She could also call you, or request to “chat” on Zoom, preferring a face-to-face conversation. And with COVID-19 restrictions easing, she could also bump into you, or request to meet in-person somewhere for a “chat”. It’s not exactly stalking, but you get the picture. Friends who are consumed by their particular issue tend to forget that they repeat what they say many times (and to several other friends too), and that people who listen with empathy and compassion also have a life of their own.
Anyway, despite greater awareness and acceptance of mental health issues and challenges at a global and national level, especially during these pandemic times, there still seems to be a stigma about anxiety, depression and loneliness among people. In the West, especially in the USA, people almost proudly share that they have a shrink or regular therapist, and would highly recommend it. But in Asia, even in developed economies, it is still taboo. I understand that cultures differ. But simple counselling should be okay, isn’t it? Apparently not. At least for some people.
Back to the friend. She was already stressed out at work and having a sleep deficit. So everything she heard she saw and misconstrued as a personal attack. She was offended. She didn’t think she needed professional help. (If only I could show her records of all the “man hours” spent listening to her.) But what’s wrong with going for just a couple of professional counselling sessions? It probably wouldn’t mean an entire package of 12 sessions, or horrors, a lifetime of counselling. (I would be extremely sceptical of any counsellor who didn’t work on eventual disengagement from the client after a reasonable amount of time. That would be unethical, not to mention ineffective.)
So she was offended and upset. All while not realising she was turning into the dreaded “energy vampire” and that I was understandably setting some much-needed boundaries for self-care (we can’t really help others unless we are whole and in a good place ourselves). All these months, she had always been appreciative of the time spent listening to her, but suddenly there was a 180 degree change. Out came the most unkind words, which made me regret that I had even bothered to be a friend who made it a point to be there for her in her time of need, no matter how busy or tired I was.
Yet I want to be objective and fair too. We can all learn to be more humble and open to feedback to grow in self-awareness, myself included. Since we all have blind spots, then I must assume I have my fair share of them too. So I have begun to re-examine the situation with a critical eye: Were there other reasons that contributed to my feelings of being mentally drained? Was I and am I experiencing “compassion fatigue”? What are some concrete steps that I can take right now to prevent an escalation of the problem (or “challenging situation”)?
My dear reader, nobody can know everything, and everyone has something to contribute. It really keeps us humble. #SayNoToBlindSpots. #BeHumble. #StayHumble. #BeCompassionate. So do you have any suggestions for me?